I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
