Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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