so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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