Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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