This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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