I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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