my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
