Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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