it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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