I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I need to align my fucking chakras
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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