Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
