Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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