What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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