i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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