I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
