I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
