a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
