If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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