just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
