I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
