chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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