my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
