Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
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I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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