i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
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idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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