Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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