if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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