Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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