I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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