saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
