good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
