I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
