yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
