I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
