You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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