I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
