Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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