I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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