Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
