he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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