Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
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It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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