I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize