Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
