I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
