come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
