bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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