The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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