I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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