I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
