he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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