your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
