theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
