I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
