I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
