I wish I only lived at night.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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