i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
